Monday, January 23, 2006

Curmudgeons and Sex

Back to the original format.

On this subject, "Curmudgeons and Sex", the answer to your unasked question, Nosey, is "not much"

When a man get to the Curmudgeon stage of life, some things get harder, some don't.

A Curmudgeon's resolve to defend his culture and his Constitution gets hard. Flint-hard. Steel-hard. Smack from .50BMG API hard.

A Curmudgeon has a harder time hearing things. A harder time understanding "mis-undertood youth". A harder time putting up with people who can't read traffic signs or divine the color of traffic lights.

A Curmudgeon has Hard as a daily part of his life, except, usually, in bed.

Then he's just an old softie!

But there's Viagra for that!

Just to show you that Curmudgeons CAN be sensitive, here's a guide to dealing with PMS wimmen.


The Hormone Hostage (aka "husband", "boyfriend", "her room-mate", "the First Mate") knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Yep, snip it, post it up, Curmudgeons. That's an order. I don't want to hear of any of MY troops getting the Bobbit Treatment.

I didn't dismiss you yet.

Here's a convenient list of acronyms, military-style:

13 Things PMS Stands For!

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Curmudgeons, DISMISSED!


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