Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Carnival of the Curmudgeons - Mark Three

You know how this goes, if you're either a curmudgeon or have been to Basic Training (any service).

Tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em
Tell 'em
Tell 'em what you just told 'em

Yep, that's the standard military way of teaching things, and it's good enough for this curmudgeon.

Today, we'll look at several very curmudgeonly posts, share a curmudgeon joke, and then we'll do something new:

No female has yet volunteered what a female (rhymes with tamale) curmudgeon is, but I'm going to post something from their point of view anyway, and we'll say it's from the curmudgeon-splits, hereafter referred to as "curmu/\dgeon". If you're over 55, you'll remember the reference.

The Attention Step is this joke:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

OK, what is it that Leno does when a joke bombs? Oh, yeah, he makes fun of his bandleader. I'm too cheap to have a band, so I guess I'll just have to grab the firex and put out these flames......

Finally, to show you that beneath all that crust, curmudgeons MAY have a heart, a poem.

First post: frequent curmudgeon (almost to the ex-salted status of CONSTANT CURMUDGEON) GuyK. I say that this is a perfect post, in that it adds to the curmudgeon storehouse of Things That Piss You Off.

Then we get to Chris, the Anarchangel. Don't get that FUBAR, it's NOT Christ the Anti-angel. Where was I? Oh yes, Things That Piss You Off. Chris has come up with the little matter of your sweetie's LACK of simple knowledge of things mechanical, such as TIRES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ROUND, AND SINCE THEY ARE PNEUMATIC, THAT MEANS THAT THEY NEED AIR! Chris, of course, does a better job of it than I, so go here to read his byplay.

Then we drop by PawPaw's House to get a little refreshment on the way to the range. Uh, oh. PawPaw is having a fine shitfit. It seems that THE RANGE IS CLOSED, and on a day it is supposed to be open, because the Department of Natural Resources doesn't have enough resources to open it (this after the Governess Blanco just bought herself over a half-million in luxury items for the Governor's Mansion presumably from FEMA funds or $$$ sprung loose by the infusion of Federal Cash). PawPaw jumps into the DNR's face BIG-TIME.

Up in Seattle, hard by Puget Sound, The Analog Kid, a Curmudgeon-in-Waiting, has found us the perfect Retro-Mobile. I love MoPar, and this might be my next (and last) new car.

Then, the "Compleat Gun Blogger", Mr. Completely, is trying on the Impressario's Suit, and is starting to put together the First Annual National Gunblogger's Rendezvous this coming November. In Reno, NV. Go here to read the exciting details.

OK, I may not do this every week, but bear with me here (or just stop reading if you don't need an eyewasher).

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far

You see he was a policeman
and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

Tissue break. If ya got 'em, wipe 'em.

OK, here's the Curmu/\dgeon POV: (did you forget that means split-tail curmudgeon?)


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's n oon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Finally, close your eyes and make this image: It's blazing summer heat in Ar Ramadi, and the Marines have just finished an important anti-insurgent operation. A CNN reporter is "embedded", and has been covering the action, and his cameraman has just gotten a video of a Marine sniper making a kill with his M-24 sniper rifle. The CNN reporter waits until the Marine and his spotter have stood down, and he goes up to the sniper and sticks the microphone in the sniper's grimy face. "What do you feel when you kill an enemy freedom fighter like that?" the reporter asks the Marine. The Marine squints some dust from his eyes, looks the reporter up and down, and says, "Recoil, sir."

Goodnight, Curmudgeons!


Blogger GUYK said...

OUTSTANDING! I may have to lift that story about the Marine sniper. Thanks for the link.


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